I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
