but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
