You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
