would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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