a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
