Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
