i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
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You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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