Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
