i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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