You can't special order awesome
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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