Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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