If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
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I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.