Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
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The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.