Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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