I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
