girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
