I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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