I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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