i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
