I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
