I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
