I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
