the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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