Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
