why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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