Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
