All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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