seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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