Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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