A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
