The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
