Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I did not marry a roomba.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
