I can text with my tongue
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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