Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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