as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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