this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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