the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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