You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
