Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
