I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
