I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
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tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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