I puked a lego.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
