If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just googled if crying burns calories
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
