I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
