My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
