Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
