they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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