Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
