I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
How's work?
Spinning.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
