Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
