I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
