Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
