I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
