Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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