he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
