I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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